Monday, November 05, 2012 @ 12:20:00 AM
Why, Hello Again, World
And so, I brushed the dust off my shoulders and jumped into the pool. Not the ocean, let's leave that for another time. This pool is rather comforting, I may float in it for awhile. Not forgetting my ocean, which I hope I will return to it someday.
Labels: Life
Wednesday, August 08, 2012 @ 12:38:00 AM
Huh?
It seems I've walked into a tunnel of darkness, hoping some day I would somehow reach the end. Thoughts rushing through my head, like wind whistling through the pages of a book. My vision is blurred. Yet, what blur is there when darkness is all that's ahead.
Have I forgotten the world outside? What is it like now? I've been enveloped in this darkness for too long.
Do I walk straight, or do I turn to the left? Am I at a crossroad? Trying to grasp the air in my hands, struggling to find the way out. Have I unknowingly trapped myself in this?
So many questions rushing through my head, like a thousand hammers crashing down on me. The constant pounding in my head. How on earth did I end up in here?
I paused and allowed myself to drop to the ground. Eyes opened wide, ears stretched for the slightest movement or sound. Nothing. Only the pounding in my head and the darkness in front of me.
I squeezed my eyes shut, and saw a green field and a rainbow across the blue sky. Unicorns prancing around the sunflower patch not far beyond. A soft, soothing melody filled the air. I took a deep breath, mmm, smells like the morning dews on the luscious green grass.
Abruptly, I was pulled from my nirvana. There I was, lying on the cold, hard floor, staring at what seems to be the sky.
Have I forgotten the world outside? What is it like now? I've been enveloped in this darkness for too long.
Do I walk straight, or do I turn to the left? Am I at a crossroad? Trying to grasp the air in my hands, struggling to find the way out. Have I unknowingly trapped myself in this?
So many questions rushing through my head, like a thousand hammers crashing down on me. The constant pounding in my head. How on earth did I end up in here?
I paused and allowed myself to drop to the ground. Eyes opened wide, ears stretched for the slightest movement or sound. Nothing. Only the pounding in my head and the darkness in front of me.
I squeezed my eyes shut, and saw a green field and a rainbow across the blue sky. Unicorns prancing around the sunflower patch not far beyond. A soft, soothing melody filled the air. I took a deep breath, mmm, smells like the morning dews on the luscious green grass.
Abruptly, I was pulled from my nirvana. There I was, lying on the cold, hard floor, staring at what seems to be the sky.
Labels: Life, Lunaticism, Reflection
Monday, April 30, 2012 @ 1:31:00 AM
A New Start, to a NEW Life
I haven't been the most productive, or the most eager the past weeks.
I haven been trying to drain the anger and frustration, but it isn't working very well. I guess the anger has been brewing inside for such a long time that it has become a habit. Note to self "Take a deep breath and throw away the angry thoughts".
I want, yet I am afraid. The many obstacles ahead. I am not one who jumps into an ocean and know I will survive. I take every amount of caution in my blood before dipping my toes into the waters.
Don't be defeated by others' words,
Defeat others with self-belief.
Chants in head. I can do this.
I haven been trying to drain the anger and frustration, but it isn't working very well. I guess the anger has been brewing inside for such a long time that it has become a habit. Note to self "Take a deep breath and throw away the angry thoughts".
I want, yet I am afraid. The many obstacles ahead. I am not one who jumps into an ocean and know I will survive. I take every amount of caution in my blood before dipping my toes into the waters.
Don't be defeated by others' words,
Defeat others with self-belief.
Chants in head. I can do this.
Labels: Life, Reflection
Tuesday, March 27, 2012 @ 11:58:00 PM
The Breakup
And so, a final slap in the face to tell me to move on.
It was the biggest joke of the century. All the promises and anticipation was lost when the dreaded rumor was confirmed. I should have known.
I look back now and realised how pathetic I have been, dragging my feet in the mud, too afraid to step out into a brand new world. Who knows what lies ahead, but I have made my decision, and I hope I will stay true to it.
It takes a lot of courage to jump out of this meaningless life, but I cannot let myself down any further. I have suffered enough. A push into the ocean, and hopefully I'll swim and not get eaten by sharks.
This journey has been somewhat like a failed relationship with a cheating boyfriend. Someone who promises you the world, someone who gives you hope and promises you everlasting love. Into the relationship, you realise that the person you had began the relationship with is a totally different person. You heard rumors about your boyfriend cheating on you. Has he broken the promise of everlasting love toward you? Doubts, suspicion and denial. Rumors were confirmed. Betrayal and broken promises. The final straw, a breakup has been decided.
Lets pray the "breakup" happens as planned. I need my life, my freedom, my happiness.
It was the biggest joke of the century. All the promises and anticipation was lost when the dreaded rumor was confirmed. I should have known.
I look back now and realised how pathetic I have been, dragging my feet in the mud, too afraid to step out into a brand new world. Who knows what lies ahead, but I have made my decision, and I hope I will stay true to it.
It takes a lot of courage to jump out of this meaningless life, but I cannot let myself down any further. I have suffered enough. A push into the ocean, and hopefully I'll swim and not get eaten by sharks.
This journey has been somewhat like a failed relationship with a cheating boyfriend. Someone who promises you the world, someone who gives you hope and promises you everlasting love. Into the relationship, you realise that the person you had began the relationship with is a totally different person. You heard rumors about your boyfriend cheating on you. Has he broken the promise of everlasting love toward you? Doubts, suspicion and denial. Rumors were confirmed. Betrayal and broken promises. The final straw, a breakup has been decided.
Lets pray the "breakup" happens as planned. I need my life, my freedom, my happiness.
Labels: Angerism, blueism, Life
Sunday, November 21, 2010 @ 2:13:00 AM
Beliefs?
Do you believe everything happens for a reason?Do you believe in fate?
I was wondering if one had done things differently, will the conclusion still be the same. I used to believe quite strongly that fate lies in your own hands. Well, note the word, used.
I'd like to think it still does. However, various happenings led me to believe otherwise.
These beliefs are dragging me down to hell. The frequent conflicting thoughts are so inconsistent that I have no idea which to conform to. This results in, of course, no results.
At these conflicting moments, the best thing would be to hold a raspberry macaroon in one hand, and a glass of sparkling rose wine in the other, while staring into space. I stand corrected - the best thing would be have a plate of assorted macaroons and a bottle of sparkling rose wine in front of me, while staring into space. (Of course, this is exactly what I am craving for now.)
Naturally, nothing will result from this "moments".
At least I know there's one thing consistent about me, that I always harbor conflicting thoughts, thus losing myself.
Saturday, August 21, 2010 @ 1:08:00 AM
Giving and Receiving
I believe life revolves around two things, the ability to give and to receive. When the amount given is unable to match what is received, we tend to give less. This is fairness.
There is hardly ever fairness in life.
You give, you may or may not receive. You may receive, yet not give.
Which will you prefer?
There's no such thing as best of both worlds.
Labels: Life
Thursday, August 05, 2010 @ 3:16:00 PM
Karma-mama
Yes, because karma bites you in the ass.
Don't complain when it does, because you should have anticipated it.
What can you do?
Learn.
Complain less.
Curse less.
Everything happens for a reason.
Labels: Life
Thursday, April 22, 2010 @ 9:35:00 PM
Dreams
I had a dream, a wonderful dream.
I dreamed of a lot of money!! Hahahaha
I said, I will open a craft store selling all sorts of cutesy stuff, as well as one that sold beads and clay too. I will be able to import all that I like and openly steal them from my store. I will be the CEO, who sits at home playing with all her cutesy stuff while money comes rolling in.
I dreamed.
If life could be that easy.
It's not because I can't, it's because I didn't.
It's not because you can't, it's because you didn't.
Labels: Life, Lunaticism
Tuesday, March 16, 2010 @ 10:38:00 PM
It’s Worth Everything
"They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumph. They don’t take pictures along the way because who wants to remember it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level. Nobody takes pictures of that; nobody wants to remember. We just wanna remember the view from the top, the breath taking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing. That’s the crazy part. It’s worth everything."
Excerpt from Grey’s Anatomy.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010 @ 12:09:00 AM
Doing it Correctly
After some soul searching, I knocked some sense into myself. I had to stop blaming others for my own failures.
I used to say I didn’t like Law, that’s why I didn’t bother to put in any effort. This resulted in an F in my first semester, and the first letter grade on my entire transcript. I smoked my way through my entire three years in poly. I got majority of Cs and Ds and only an A for color and composition. Having no more Fs was a reward.
What was I doing?
I have no idea. I just used three years of my life doing some crap shit.
Now, I’d say, I was a immature girl who thought she had all the time on her hands to waste.
It’s not about liking it, but doing it correctly.
It’s a whole new world out here.
Two years into my degree, I have to ask myself again, what am I doing?
I have disappointed myself again.
I don’t have a chance to redo this, to correct my mistakes. What I can only do now is to not let myself fall deeper into this blood sucking hole. This hole that I can never close.
I cannot afford this.
I have disappointed myself again.
I don’t have a chance to redo this, to correct my mistakes. What I can only do now is to not let myself fall deeper into this blood sucking hole. This hole that I can never close.
I cannot afford this.
Labels: Life
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 @ 11:55:00 PM
Control
Everything's stacked up to the brim. I feel like I'm losing all control, and I don't like not being in any control.
Sunday, September 13, 2009 @ 9:38:00 PM
Blues Clues
Banished, is that of what I feel.
Everything is refusing to go the right way.
I abhor my nails cause they are so freaking soft. They bend the other way. It's fucking painful. CURSES!
Took up a module too late, and I'm having so much difficulty understanding the first 20 pages of it. To be accurate, I don't know what am I reading at all. Three assigments due even before I attended any classes. WTF.
To garnish this perfect dish, there's so much resentment brewing inside of me. I can't help it. You make me feel that way. Without fail, every single fucking time. It's getting very difficult to face you. My insolence to your distrust. Whatever I do isn't to your liking. What you see isn't always what it is, when will you learn that? I can never be your ideal. So what can I do? I just feel like leaving, so I wouldn't be your imperfect.
Labels: Angerism, blueism, Life
Saturday, January 31, 2009 @ 3:46:00 PM
Robert, is that you?
Is your real name Robert?
The most common tactic of these women is to fish and you being Robert, tries to get the food on the hook. Sometimes she allows you to get very near, sometimes pulling back the rod. Only when you bite the bait, it’s when you realize how painful the hook is.
As a matter of fact, it’s almost 100% epic fail.
Anyway......... you are not the first Robert, you are not the only one and neither are you the last Robert.
There have been many Roberts in the past, you are part of the family, and there will be more Roberts joining.
Oh, and before you start on any crap like, she is true to me or I can feel that her feelings are real in defense of your actions/thoughts, don’t bother. Because that’s what all the other Roberts said in the past too.
If you still want to eat this worm, then you are
白痴
Labels: Life
Sunday, October 19, 2008 @ 10:19:00 PM
Nokia N70
I finally got my old Nokia N70 up and running after decades of it collecting dust at a lonely corner. I was too bored so I started going through my old messages.
There were sweet ones.
There were bitter ones.
There were encouragements.
There were vulgaraties.
I really wonder, why did I subject myself to such misery. Looking back, I can only say that I was stupid, and blind. It was clear that all connections wanted to be broken, but I still held on, for no reason. I would say now, if I were in the same situation, I will never allow myself to be treated in this manner.
"You know something? It's okay to be forsaken, but never forsake yourself."
"Hey, just dropping by to say, whatever happens, don't think too much. :) sorry i'm too tired to be amazing today. I fell asleep while standing even."
"Hey :-) u worried me just now. Don't think too much k. Though I knw its easier said than done. Don't cry okay? C ur eyes also sore le. Nt pretty alrdy. Lastly, don't smile like tat k. U're always puttin up a strong front."
Although I've been through hell, and out of it, the pain still sticks around. That period was hurtful, was torturous, was pure shit.
"I know you're upset, and i know i probably can't do anything bout it also. But i just wanna say, cheer up."
"Throw everyth on me then. I'm willing to take it from u."
The day he came to take back his stuff, I cried endless buckets. I didn't want to go through it, cause just the thought of it brings a literal pain to my heart.
"You gotta go through it. And you're right. No one can help you. But we'll be there for you, whenever you need. Backing your decision."
And you were there, always. I hated you, I talked to you, I befriended you then I hated you. Really, it's a love-hate relationship. I threw all my sadness onto you, you silently took it from me. I forgot you when I felt better, but you didn't make a sound. I have nothing to give, just a space in my heart, and you've walked right in.
"Bit by bit u wil move on, dun let tis rob u of yr joy."
"U may tink u r under the soil now, but yr frens and family wil sow new seeds of love,hope and all gd tings, unto u as long as u allow them. These wil sprout and u wil become new and strong to face the world. Tis wil be the experience that u wil share when 1 of yr frens happen to be like u now."
Then there was her. We cursed together, I poured my sorrows out to her. She was my other source of comfort. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't smile, I couldn't be happy. It was tough, but she was always there. Bosom buddies forever, love.
"whether ya see/dont see him later, dont falter k? stay strong, you're a love. you'll be able to face. :)"
"yesterday's weakensss shouldn bring forward to today. tell youself ya cant repeat yest's mistake. :)"
Friends. Thank you.
Labels: Life
Sunday, July 20, 2008 @ 1:38:00 AM
Regrets
Life’s about choices, making of wrong choices.
I have made countless wrong choices. I have regretted, but regretting is useless because it doesn’t turn back the hands of time. Till a new regret is formed, then only the old regrets would have faded. One bitten twice shy you’d say, but I have no idea why, it doesn’t work on me. Again, again and again, I’ve made the wrong choices.
When I thought it was the best decision, when I am full of myself that No, I will never regret, when I thought nothing else would drag me under. It has to be a regret.
Yes, life’s full of regrets. Yes, I don’t practice what I preach. Yes, if you knew of all my regrets, you’d smack me across and say that I’m stupid.
Nevertheless, life goes on. Life plays me by me committing this heinous regrets continuously, toying and twirling me around its little finger, making a fool out of me. Life, is indeed a game, a game of regrets.
-
杨宗纬 - 让
Labels: Life
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