Tuesday, March 27, 2012 @ 11:58:00 PM
The Breakup
And so, a final slap in the face to tell me to move on.
It was the biggest joke of the century. All the promises and anticipation was lost when the dreaded rumor was confirmed. I should have known.
I look back now and realised how pathetic I have been, dragging my feet in the mud, too afraid to step out into a brand new world. Who knows what lies ahead, but I have made my decision, and I hope I will stay true to it.
It takes a lot of courage to jump out of this meaningless life, but I cannot let myself down any further. I have suffered enough. A push into the ocean, and hopefully I'll swim and not get eaten by sharks.
This journey has been somewhat like a failed relationship with a cheating boyfriend. Someone who promises you the world, someone who gives you hope and promises you everlasting love. Into the relationship, you realise that the person you had began the relationship with is a totally different person. You heard rumors about your boyfriend cheating on you. Has he broken the promise of everlasting love toward you? Doubts, suspicion and denial. Rumors were confirmed. Betrayal and broken promises. The final straw, a breakup has been decided.
Lets pray the "breakup" happens as planned. I need my life, my freedom, my happiness.
It was the biggest joke of the century. All the promises and anticipation was lost when the dreaded rumor was confirmed. I should have known.
I look back now and realised how pathetic I have been, dragging my feet in the mud, too afraid to step out into a brand new world. Who knows what lies ahead, but I have made my decision, and I hope I will stay true to it.
It takes a lot of courage to jump out of this meaningless life, but I cannot let myself down any further. I have suffered enough. A push into the ocean, and hopefully I'll swim and not get eaten by sharks.
This journey has been somewhat like a failed relationship with a cheating boyfriend. Someone who promises you the world, someone who gives you hope and promises you everlasting love. Into the relationship, you realise that the person you had began the relationship with is a totally different person. You heard rumors about your boyfriend cheating on you. Has he broken the promise of everlasting love toward you? Doubts, suspicion and denial. Rumors were confirmed. Betrayal and broken promises. The final straw, a breakup has been decided.
Lets pray the "breakup" happens as planned. I need my life, my freedom, my happiness.
Labels: Angerism, blueism, Life
Tuesday, February 28, 2012 @ 10:21:00 AM
Square One
The light ahead of the tunnel dims.
I'm back to square one. A decision I know I will regret, but more regrets if I had jumped in? I wouldn't know.
Back to shithole with the rock in my heart.
Labels: blueism
Tuesday, February 07, 2012 @ 7:12:00 PM
Fighting A Losing Battle
Everyday, we are fighting a losing battle. We are like soldiers going to war without strategies, without weapons and most importantly, without a leader.
Regardless soldier or not, we need to be respected, yet something of this simplicity cannot be attained. Likewise, He has lost every drip of respect I had for him.
Don't talk to me like I'm stupid. This mess was created by you. We have been trying to solve the problems, but to no avail. We were left alone to deal with this trash, while you have been faking some illness. When I approached you for help this morning, did you know how unwilling I was to even look at you? You disgust me, totally. I was trying to ease future transactions. Yet time and time again you brushed it aside saying it ain't important. You know NOTHING about the backend transactions, how dare you say it isn't important! Do you know we are struggling each day to clear the mess you created?
I've given up, I will not raise any questions and suggestions. Since I'm so stupid, I shan't talk. I will wait for the day the ground below you breaks apart and you fall so far below that you can't climb out.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011 @ 1:04:00 PM
Cause I Have No Words
Every morning, my alarm rings and I forcefully open my eyes, and the same thought floods my head. “I hate my life.”
I drag my lifeless body from my comfort zone and prepare for a day of cursing and swearing. I have knowingly become an angry person. The anger inside of me is growing each day. Outbursts after outbursts. After all the angst, I fall into despair, about how helpless I am to change my life’s direction.
Everyone says, continue looking, someday, something good will befall you.
But when will this someday and something come. I am exhausted, of looking, of waiting. I have tried, but to no avail.
I have thought about succumbing to my pathetic life, to be just contented with what I have. Deep down, I know I want more, much more.
Courage and support, of which I have none.
I have never been so lost before. Lost, angry and in despair.
I drag my lifeless body from my comfort zone and prepare for a day of cursing and swearing. I have knowingly become an angry person. The anger inside of me is growing each day. Outbursts after outbursts. After all the angst, I fall into despair, about how helpless I am to change my life’s direction.
Everyone says, continue looking, someday, something good will befall you.
But when will this someday and something come. I am exhausted, of looking, of waiting. I have tried, but to no avail.
I have thought about succumbing to my pathetic life, to be just contented with what I have. Deep down, I know I want more, much more.
Courage and support, of which I have none.
I have never been so lost before. Lost, angry and in despair.
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failiures all you've known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go,
let it go
let it go
let it go
let it go
Labels: Angerism, blueism, Youtube
Monday, July 11, 2011 @ 6:17:00 PM
Hierarchy
Because I'm new, I do not have a chance to do what others do.
I accept, as long as you are going to teach. BUT NO.
Because I'm new, I am not invited to dinner events because you are not willing to pay for an additional head.
I try to accept. You invite me later due to insufficient head count. I denied your invitation.
Because I'm new, I cannot go for meetings and I have to stay in the office to SERVE CUSTOMERS.
I really hate doing it, but I begrudgingly accept.
Because I’m new, I cannot go for company activities even when someone has offered to stay in the office.
“Cannot you must go! The newest will stay and practice her customer service skills!”
I REALLY REALLY HATE IT!!!! This time I can no longer accept it. I AM NOT A CUSTOMER SERVICE OFFICER!!!
Please, allow me to find a way out of this torturous place. I really need it.
Friday, June 24, 2011 @ 5:43:00 PM
Woof Woof!
My frustration is getting the best of me. I get so frustrated whenever the damned bell rings. I am like some watch dog waiting for someone to throw me a bone. While I run to them wagging my tail furiously, my life is slowly draining out of me. Every time the damned bell rings, my anger level raises by a hell lot. Why must I be the one who does this job all the damned time?
My limit was hit its peak yesterday when a fucker rang the bell 4 times consecutively and demanded angrily why did I take so long to answer the door! I was taken aback by his rudeness and replied crudely, oh sorry. He said WHAT? I faked a pleasant apologetic voice and said sorry about that, sir.
Today, whenever the damned bell ring, I heaved a sigh, banged my hand on the table and pretend to be happy. So much that people think I am enjoying this damned job. It’s not that I do not like meeting people, it’s the miniscule work I am doing. I applied to be something else, not a customer service officer. I don’t think you need a degree holder to be a one.
I have past the angry stage. I am now in despair, the heavy rock has settled in. It’s permanent. Just once I hope I can open my eyes and all these had been a very bad dream.
Doing what I dread is one thing I have to carry out each day. Facing exclusion is another. While I have found some whom I can confide in, but it still bugs me. Is there something I am lacking? Is there something wrong with me? With each passing conversation, I am falling apart. I have tried, but I have failed. What you all have is a stronger bond which I am unable to penetrate.
What do I feel?
Alone. Desperate. Pathetic.
And there’s someone, who probably mocks my incompetency. Why do I still have so many doubts about how a system works? Well, because a company wasn’t built in a day. Are you able to answer all questions that I throw at you? I came in one week before you, it doesn’t mean I know more than you. You are able to bend the rules, while I am just a dog, who wags its tail when called.
My limit was hit its peak yesterday when a fucker rang the bell 4 times consecutively and demanded angrily why did I take so long to answer the door! I was taken aback by his rudeness and replied crudely, oh sorry. He said WHAT? I faked a pleasant apologetic voice and said sorry about that, sir.
Today, whenever the damned bell ring, I heaved a sigh, banged my hand on the table and pretend to be happy. So much that people think I am enjoying this damned job. It’s not that I do not like meeting people, it’s the miniscule work I am doing. I applied to be something else, not a customer service officer. I don’t think you need a degree holder to be a one.
I have past the angry stage. I am now in despair, the heavy rock has settled in. It’s permanent. Just once I hope I can open my eyes and all these had been a very bad dream.
Doing what I dread is one thing I have to carry out each day. Facing exclusion is another. While I have found some whom I can confide in, but it still bugs me. Is there something I am lacking? Is there something wrong with me? With each passing conversation, I am falling apart. I have tried, but I have failed. What you all have is a stronger bond which I am unable to penetrate.
What do I feel?
Alone. Desperate. Pathetic.
And there’s someone, who probably mocks my incompetency. Why do I still have so many doubts about how a system works? Well, because a company wasn’t built in a day. Are you able to answer all questions that I throw at you? I came in one week before you, it doesn’t mean I know more than you. You are able to bend the rules, while I am just a dog, who wags its tail when called.
Monday, April 25, 2011 @ 1:14:00 AM
My Heavy Rock
While the silent darkness envelopes, music filled my ears. Glittering lights swirling like disco balls. Seated alone, watching as the night go by. Serenity engulfs me entirely. In a split second, my thoughts take a dive.
There’s this heavy rock weighing me down. Conflicting feelings fought its way into my head. I knowingly chose this path, but I cannot help but doubt my decision. I was beginning to despair, when this “hope” appeared to me. Rashness. Stressed. Fear. This heavy rock is blocking my breaths. I am taking small gasps; making it so difficult for me to move on.
You appeared; arousing this tingling sensation in my tummy. I held onto you, and you held me back. I felt safe; I had left my heavy rock behind. I longed for something, desired for happiness, for contentment. The second you released me from your arms, my heavy rock found its way back inside me. This heavy rock, will it ever be left behind?
There’s this heavy rock weighing me down. Conflicting feelings fought its way into my head. I knowingly chose this path, but I cannot help but doubt my decision. I was beginning to despair, when this “hope” appeared to me. Rashness. Stressed. Fear. This heavy rock is blocking my breaths. I am taking small gasps; making it so difficult for me to move on.
You appeared; arousing this tingling sensation in my tummy. I held onto you, and you held me back. I felt safe; I had left my heavy rock behind. I longed for something, desired for happiness, for contentment. The second you released me from your arms, my heavy rock found its way back inside me. This heavy rock, will it ever be left behind?
Sunday, March 13, 2011 @ 11:14:00 PM
Unhealthy to the Maximum
After I recovered from my almost-serious-flu, I suffered an infection.
After I visited the doctor and got the infection cured, I was rewarded with a small bump on my tongue. After a few days, it developed into a mega ulcer. I am experiencing much difficulty swallowing, which results me in eating very slowly or eating half the amount.
With the ulcer still nested on my tongue, I woke up with blurred vision in my right eye. After visiting the optician, and concluding there is nothing wrong with my cornea, I am still experiencing slightly blurred sight. Should the blurred vision persist, I will have to visit an eye specialist.
I am NOT anticipating what will happen to me next. As WC says, "YOU NEED TO EXERCISE MORE AND DRINK EIGHT LITERS OF WATER EVERYDAY!"
Someone, please correct him.
After I visited the doctor and got the infection cured, I was rewarded with a small bump on my tongue. After a few days, it developed into a mega ulcer. I am experiencing much difficulty swallowing, which results me in eating very slowly or eating half the amount.
With the ulcer still nested on my tongue, I woke up with blurred vision in my right eye. After visiting the optician, and concluding there is nothing wrong with my cornea, I am still experiencing slightly blurred sight. Should the blurred vision persist, I will have to visit an eye specialist.
I am NOT anticipating what will happen to me next. As WC says, "YOU NEED TO EXERCISE MORE AND DRINK EIGHT LITERS OF WATER EVERYDAY!"
Someone, please correct him.
Labels: blueism
Friday, January 14, 2011 @ 7:57:00 PM
=[
January 2011 is made for disappointments.
Labels: blueism
Monday, November 29, 2010 @ 9:06:00 PM
How?
HOW HOW HOW?
Tell me how!
Sunday, November 21, 2010 @ 2:13:00 AM
Beliefs?
Do you believe everything happens for a reason?Do you believe in fate?
I was wondering if one had done things differently, will the conclusion still be the same. I used to believe quite strongly that fate lies in your own hands. Well, note the word, used.
I'd like to think it still does. However, various happenings led me to believe otherwise.
These beliefs are dragging me down to hell. The frequent conflicting thoughts are so inconsistent that I have no idea which to conform to. This results in, of course, no results.
At these conflicting moments, the best thing would be to hold a raspberry macaroon in one hand, and a glass of sparkling rose wine in the other, while staring into space. I stand corrected - the best thing would be have a plate of assorted macaroons and a bottle of sparkling rose wine in front of me, while staring into space. (Of course, this is exactly what I am craving for now.)
Naturally, nothing will result from this "moments".
At least I know there's one thing consistent about me, that I always harbor conflicting thoughts, thus losing myself.
Sunday, September 05, 2010 @ 2:43:00 AM
Everything.
Labels: blueism
Wednesday, July 14, 2010 @ 7:51:00 PM
Boredom Driving Me Nuts
I'm so bored these days it's literally driving me crazy. I stare at my laptop, clicking at random pages. Deep down, I know there's nothing I can do on these pages, but I still click on it anyway.
Open. Close. Open. Close. Goes the pages on my Chrome.
I have run out of dramas to watch. Even if I am watching a drama, I still click on pages. I find it so difficult to do one thing at a time.
I have school work to do, but I am so lazy to get to work.
Perhaps it's summer,
or perhaps it's just my nature.
Open. Close. Open. Close. Goes the pages on my Chrome.
I am feeling very sleepy, but somehow I refuse to nap and sit here to click on Chrome.
It's literally driving me nuts.
Or should I say, I am already there.
And all this while, Pringles is staring at me in the face.
Labels: blueism, Lunaticism
Monday, April 19, 2010 @ 5:07:00 PM
Pre-examination Fever
14 weeks of 5.5 hours break in school on Thursdays is finally over. This means exams are coming. This Friday actually. My body celebrated this joyous occasion by giving me fever on Thursday and actually hit 39.3°C on Friday night! Luckily I have a man slave to care for my sickly body.
"You give me fever when you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever in the morning
Fever all through the night"
- Fever by Elvis Presley
On a sad note, I am once again suffering from pre-examination-blues. On a even sadder note, it's my second last semester. This means I will have to step into the cruel working society this year and work my sickly body to waste. But this also means no more holes in thy wallet, I hope.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 @ 11:55:00 PM
Control
Everything's stacked up to the brim. I feel like I'm losing all control, and I don't like not being in any control.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010 @ 9:19:00 PM
Whines About School and Driving Test
Third week into school, and I feel lazy as hell! For some reason, I am taking five modules instead of the usual four. Seems like this semester's workload is heavier than the rest.
If you have talked to me recently, you will know I am exceptionally stressed about something else.
Driving.
My goodness, it's driving me nuts! I feel like I have zero talent in driving. They are removing the poles for parking in March, and my TP is in February. So I am stressing myself to pass. Also spent quite a bit of money on this. My instructor keeps patting his chest and saying "wa scary!" I know........... I know.........
After talking to those who drive, and observing others, I THINK I'm getting better. At least I don't need help on the road anymore.
DAMN, I need to pass...... =(
Labels: blueism
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 @ 11:46:00 PM
Four Fingers
The thirteenth day into 2010 and the third day of school, I poured boiling hot soup onto four of my fingers.
Nasty. Hot and stingy, with a pinch of numbness. Did I mention HOT?
A moment of shock, then "Ow!" I continued to hold the bowl with my four scalded fingers, and brought the tray back to my seat.
I told Chicken Asshole about it and he asked if it's the Yong Tau Fu. I replied, No, it's the handmade noodles. Chicken Asshole's reply was "I very long never eat already."
Winner.
The finger that got most of the soup hurts now, so I am one finger crippled. The other fingers feels sore.
Nasty. Saw 7 yes?
Labels: Angerism, blueism, Lunaticism
Tuesday, November 03, 2009 @ 8:23:00 PM
Fuck you, life.
I want a sausage dog!
I want good brains!
I want motivation!
I want a car!
Ultimately, I want money.
Money is the root of all evil.
And you. You you you. Everything is about you. Since I'm such an eyesore why can't you just "blind" yourself. I avoid conflict, but you just pick on anything that you can think of. You just continue your unreasonableness. When can you ever put yourself in my shoes and see what it is like? Again I will say, I feel like leaving so I won't be your imperfect. But I am already your imperfect.
Some people have everything, while some have nothing.
Money money money.
Fuck you, money.
Fuck you, life.
Monday, October 12, 2009 @ 6:59:00 PM
Post Exam Blues
I feel damn sucky about last Wednesday's exam. I came out of the exam hall, without a bit of confidence about the paper. Now, I feel damn terrible about it. It's 40%! I can't afford to get a bad grade.
cursecursecursecursecursecursecursecurse
cursecursecursecursecursecursecursecurse
cursecursecursecursecursecursecursecurse
cursecursecursecursecursecursecursecurse
omg curse!
Friday, October 02, 2009 @ 12:18:00 AM
Flower Power!
To sell or not to sell?
My fingers feel like sand paper now, and hope jelly-nails won't turn no-nails.
**
My right lower eyelid has been twitching for the past 2 or so weeks. It's annoying as hell. It's said to be due to tiredness. Perhaps. Perhaps not, cause 9AM to 1.30PM classes and I nap from 3PM onwards to whatever timing I like.
Eye muscle spasms, that's what it's called, or eye muscle cramp.
Twitching twitching go away,
don't come again another day.
*** WARNING! COMPLAINTS ***
Twitching twitching go away,
don't come again another day.
*** WARNING! COMPLAINTS ***
It's (Thursday) night, but it feels like (Friday) night already.
It feels like it's a Saturday tomorrow.
But I don't look forward to weekends anymore.
This semester is one of the worst I've ever had. It's so torturous, so incomprehensible, so unbelievable. I have essays to had up every other week and I've to sit through lectures where I have absolutely no clue what the damned lecturer is talking about. And the best thing? I have negative motivation to do anything at all. My behavior irks me, but what do I do? I sit back and point fingers at myself, nothing more.
Talks to self: Tell me, what are you gonna do about it?
Self says: Fuck off.
Labels: Art, blueism, Peektures
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